Bad News

A lot has happened in the last few weeks that makes a girl thoughtful and appreciative of family.  A good friend’s father suddenly passed away.  My older sister Leah got married. Ryan and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary!  And our good friends, the ones I mentioned who suffered chronic miscarriages, had their first healthy, perfect, cuddly baby girl.

Ryan went to the semen lab this morning. Perhaps he’s been reflective of familial love, too, because it only took minimal nagging.  About an hour after he submitted his sample the doctor called him to report the bad news: Things are worse.  We are still not candidates for IUI, and if we ever want to consider doing IVF the doctor recommends Ryan getting to a sperm bank ASAP and freezing his sample because things are diminishing rapidly.

I’m honestly not sure what to think.  In a way I’m thankful to be avoiding another all-natural recommendation.  I’m also peeved that if time is of the essence why didn’t the doctors tell us this sometime in the last year and a half? And I’m fearful that our last chance, IVF, won’t be successful with such poor numbers.

And IVF in itself is a big fat YIKES. In my younger years I’d thought if I one day couldn’t get pregnant, I’d assume God had his reasons and motherhood wasn’t for me.  Now that I’m in this position I realize how insulting a stance that is.  Why NOT me?  Ryan and I are successful, smart, tax-paying, God-fearing, contributing members of society and could love and raise a baby just as well if not better than some people out there.  I don’t reject modern medicine when it comes to cancer, illnesses or my own seizure disorder, why stop here?  I have no interest in desperate measures or going tens of thousands of dollars into debt, but I know I would regret it if I looked back in life and knew we never even tried this route.

And now, for better or for worse, looks like it’s the only route to take.

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