Just let me wallow…

Last night I had dinner with my newlywed sister Leah.  She and her husband are about to embark on 6 months of world travelling (so cool!).  She casually mentioned by the time they come home she “could be pregnant” since she’s not on birth control.

It’s everyone, you know?  First your co-workers and mutual friends, then your BEST friends and even your family, everyone around you has a baby.  I’m the LAST one. When Ryan and I got married, Leah was single.  Since then she’s met, dated, and married a guy and will probably be pregnant before me.

Of course, I would never wish infertility on anyone, especially my sister.  She is two years older than me, so technically I guess it’s HER right to go first.  Still, the old infertile pang of jealousy and dread is there.

Years ago my mom was concerned about emotional, middle-sister Leah, who dated non-viable guy after unpromising guy while years passed.  As the steady and pragmatic sister, my relationship with Ryan was healthy and marriage-bound.  Leah and I are close in age and I said to my mom “I always assumed Leah and I would grow up, get married, and have kids about the same time, but I’m realizing that might not happen.”

My mom responded “As you get older you find many, many things in life you assumed will happen will not happen.” And those damn words have haunted me. Having a family, something so common and so human, is impossible not to assume it will happen.  How was I supposed to be prepared for this?

Of course, at the time, my short-sighted, late-twenties wisdom thought Leah might be the unlucky one to not settle down, get married nor have children.  Years later the forecast looks a little different.

Or who knows, maybe I’ll do IVF in January and Leah will come home from her world tour and we’ll both be pregnant at the same time, like the storybook future I’d envisioned.

It’s the million dollar question.  You can’t assume anything, but just take it one month at a time, again and again and again.


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