It’s been an exceptionally hard Monday afternoon. Physically I am nauseated and have cramps, due to birth control pills which I started last night and my period which started Saturday.
Emotionally the day started out with nervous excitement. With my period officially here, Pearl sent over the final IVF calendar with dates and appointments. At lunch I went home and shared the calendar with Ryan. We’d already discussed timing, working around his business trips, but here it was in black and white. And you know what? Ryan’s reaction wasn’t good. He starting asking one too many questions. He told me he was nervous, and didn’t think being nervous was the right reaction.
I had about 45 minutes at home before leaving to go back to work. In those 45 minutes Ryan firmly switched teams once more and now stands on the “I don’t think I want to do this” side. He asked all kinds of offensive and irritating questions (why do you even want to have kids, is it just because your friends are doing it?). I cried. We prayed. All in the midst of our war-zone kitchen covered in tools and broken water heater parts. I told Ryan to make up his mind, TODAY, for good. I don’t like giving him an ultimatum with such grave choices, but dammit I need to move on. Forget the future picture of children/childlessness, I’m more concerned with the here and now. I cannot continue dancing around our infertility treatment options.
Back at work, I’m emotionally drained. Pregnancy has been so out of reach for so long that I’ve numbed myself to all hope until recently. I started a list of baby names in my planner. I looked at maternity clothes online. I met with the bank and did all the paperwork for our financing, I set the dates with the doctor, I mean, I really believed we were on our way.
Today after work I’ll be heading to a winery where my friend works because she’s desperate for extras in her tasting room photo shoot. At home, Ryan’s frustrated string of texts reveal the water heater is still not working and he’s about to lose his mind. My contractor dad is coming over to bail us out, which is always a little hit to Ryan’s ego. Running for the hills of the tasting room. At least there will be wine.