Still Waiting

On that awful Monday in the kitchen Ryan had the good sense to tell me “Don’t cancel anything. We haven’t paid any money, we haven’t signed any papers, so let’s just think about it.”

So days passed, and we talked.  Here is what we DO agree on:

  1. Scope: If we do IVF, it will happen once, not including frozen embryo transfers.  If there is an underwhelming harvest from the Egg Retrieval, no embryos make it to freeze and no pregnancy occurs, then we are done.  One valiant, exhausting, expensive try is enough for both of us.
  2. Money: We can afford this.  We might not have the cash in the bank, but we are a lot better off than most and can swing the financing.
  3. Timing: Now or never. “Wait 6 months, a year, take a break and see how we feel” is not an option. We are not getting any younger and don’t want to wait any longer.
  4. We need to reach an agreement about everything we don’t agree on before we proceed.

What we don’t agree on:

  1. Embryos are life.  I think they are, Ryan thinks they are not.  I discovered many agencies that would allow us to place any unused embryos for adoption by infertile couples, which in my mind is the perfect solution.  We won’t be forced into having 7 children and we won’t have to “destroy” those lives.  Ryan thinks it’s totally creepy.  I try to assure him we might not even have extra embryos, but he insists we “most likely” will.

Our signed consent forms and payment are due November 23rd.  We have a few more weeks to figure this out.

I like to think infertility will be the most distressing challenge I’ll ever have to tackle in my marriage.  These infertile years are truly refining our skills as a married couple.  Still, I can’t discount the fact that perhaps the birth control pills have had something to do with the emotional overload in these last couple weeks.  This is really my first time ever taking oral birth control, I’ve tried and promptly quit a few times over the years due to bleeding and nausea.  This brand, Levora, has been surprisingly benign.  I’d like to say there are no side affects at all.  However, Ryan and I are at the apex of infertility, and there have been a lot of tears in the last couple weeks.  Maybe our conversations would be easier to navigate if I wasn’t pumped full of hormones.  But maybe not.

The good news is I thrive under stress.  To relieve anxiety I’ve been running a lot, reading my bible and praying a ton, making to do lists and checking them off.  This, too, shall pass, and when it does I’ll have the physical and spiritual fortitude to endure the next phase.

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