Tomorrow Pearl will call with the results of Ryan’s most recent semen sample. I’ll be at work, and am expecting bad news. Fortunately, I’ve had time to prepare so hopefully I won’t cry at my desk or anything when I hear “I’m sorry, there has been no change since the last analysis, and IVF is not longer a medical possibility for your family.”
We still don’t know “what happened.”
The first few semen analyses Ryan got back in 2014, his count count was about 8-10 million, which is pretty low. Morphology and motility also poor.
In the last 3 months Ryan has done a handful of semen analyses and his count has been about 10. Not 10 million, but 10 sperm. This is extremely low, and since motility and morphology aren’t looking good, healthy embryos are not likely. The doctor’s natural question was “What happened between 2014 and now? Is Ryan taking any questionable men’s supplements, like testosterone or steroids? Smoking a lot of marijuana? What’s changed in the last year?”
The answer is nothing. Ryan takes some multivitamins, he uses the steam room at the gym from time to time, and he could lose some weight, but none of this is new. He’s never smoked cigarettes or marijuana, and drinks occasionally. Why did his already low sperm count plummet to basically nothing? None of us know. We effectively missed our chance.
In all the research I’ve done and people I’ve talked to I’ve never heard of this: the man’s count being so low that the doctors won’t even try IVF, so I am curious to hear what the doctor says. They stand to make a lot of money on us, and I understand the gravity of their diagnosis when they let us walk out the door without paying a dime for anything.
I’ve been coddling myself all weekend, lazing on the couch and watching movies. Today is the last day where there is still a glimmer of hope, but life doesn’t feel very hopeful. Tomorrow the door may shut forever, and the end may come. I know eventually I will be able to say “It is well with my soul,” but today I have a heavy heart.