Aftermath

On good days I think what a bullet I dodged in evading the responsibility of raising a child. I can’t even get Ryan to eat healthy, pay his bills and say his prayers.  How would I stand up to decades of rearing and honing a whole new individual? I pray for my marraige, cook us healthy meals, keep our house clean, and budget and re-budget our way out of debt.  That’s enough stress for one lifetime.

On bad days, though, I marvel at what a mess I’ve made of things. Bound for life to a sterile man who I married mostly for his fathering qualities. I sacrificed a glittering career because it didn’t jive with motherhood, and now spend my days in a dismal job tied to a golden retirement pension that would be extraordinarily costly to leave. This is not the lackluster scene I envisioned my life would fade in to.  Sometimes I’ll try to do something about it: peruse new jobs or plan a vacation.  But I’m weak and helpless at the moment, and I hope it’s temporary.  I can’t. I just can’t. I just can’t follow through, can’t execute, can’t do anything but drop my hands to my sides and breathe.

The only comfort I take in this disaster is that I tried my best. Given the circumstances, I did my very best to weigh the options, pray about it, and make good decisions.  I couldn’t have known any better than to marry Ryan.  In my 28 years I’d tried to meet eligible men: college, bible studies, travel abroad, online dating, you name it, and Ryan was far and away the winner.  We were in love, and he was unlike any man I’d dated before, even proving his intentions by putting off sex until we were married.  He wanted children, he wanted a dog and a house and a cozy life, and he prayed with me and went to church with me.  How could I have known?

I knew when I left public accounting it was a risk, but I thought about it, asked for advice, prayed about it, and now that all is said and done I’m not convinced I did the wrong thing.  But if I’d known at the time our infertility was incurable, I never would have considered giving up that career, not for a second.

We did our best in exploring the options of infertility treatments. We put years into seeking out doctors, following protocols and calendars, peeing on sticks, praying incessantly. And in the end we came to the point where the costs to pursue exploratory measures simply outweighed the benefits.

I tried. I took the cards life gave me, was thoughtful and careful, and did the best I could. So I will be thankful for that.

“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

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