T- 4 days

Baseline Ultrasound is tomorrow, and injections begin Sunday. I can hardly believe it.  I feel like I’ve been utterly consumed by a move and remodel, policy deadlines at work and oh yeah throw in an IVF cycle, too.

I mean, I am prepared, I’ve called the clinic several times “just to talk” aka answer my lists of questions. The drug order is standing by at the pharmacy at a whopping $4k waiting for me to make the call after tomorrow’s baseline appointment to have them overnight it. Consents all signed, time off work kind of confirmed (going to wait until the Baseline scan is a sure thing….) But still, how did we get here already?!

There are still so many uncertainties. Last time we moved into an IVF cycle, I tried to talk out all the details with Ryan beforehand.  I wanted to know we were on the same page for EVERYTHING, that we were fully educated, discussed all scenarios, and had a game plan.  This time around, I’ve accepted that’s just not realistic.  Ryan is emotional and a worrier (he would totally disagree, but I am married to the man after all, so I have a right to assess his personality).  Trying to present “worst case scenarios” and too much detail just gets him all revved up and the conversation gets nowhere.  So instead, I am playing it by ear.  If and when we have to confront embryo counts, miscarriage, FETs or embryo quality, we will.  Until then, it’s just not worth diving into the messy particulars.

I’ve been worried something is going to go devastatingly wrong. Maybe because that’s what happened last time?  Or maybe because my body never does well on birth control.  I skipped a day last week accidentally, so took 2 the next day, and ever since I’ve been spotting and bleeding daily.  Last night my left ovary was hurting – badly enough to wake me up several times.  I am nervous that I’ll go in for the scan tomorrow and something will be off.  As a male-factor couple, my body performing perfectly is something we are banking on.  I tell myself the doctors know what they are doing, I am nothing new or unusual, and I need to trust the process.  Still, I will feel better after tomorrow when we have a look at my system and I’m told we are a go.

And then, let IVF begin.

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