Stim Day 5/ Cycle Day 5

 

Today, Thursday, I went in for my 5 day blood work/ ultrasound appointment, and the Doctor says “you are progressing very quickly!” I think 12-13 follicles on one side, 9-10 on the other.  I am instructed to continue the Menopur and Follistim at the same dosages, and to also start Ganirelix tonight.  In two days (Saturday) I will back for another appointment, and Doctor says trigger shot likely for Tues/ Wed of next week.  That means a retrieval next Thurs/ Fri – this is happening fast, and I am very glad about that.

The injections have been ok. Ryan did them at first but I mustered up enough guts to do it myself and it’s really not difficult – very tiny needles.  I have been feeling fine aside from a headache that won’t go away.  Typically, I’d treat it with Advil and caffeine, but not during IVF stim week.  So I muster through, and if this is as bad as the side effects get, it’s not bad at all. I am glad it’s my Friday, though, since thinking and productivity at work have been difficult with a pounding headache and so much else on my mind.

What will the outcome be…? I wonder.  I’m well aware our dreams could die in the petri dish in one week.  After all, we did have a doctor tell us she didn’t think Ryan’s sperm would fertilize.  There might be zero embryos – this is my worst fear. I feel a little like I’m going to be tried for a murder I didn’t commit.  The jury might let me off, and everything will be fine, or I will be convicted to life in prison.  In the blink of an eye, my whole life will be confined to a trajectory I never wanted or could have envisioned.

I realize that sounds a little dramatic, since I know there are worst things than not having children. But I am not at a point where I can say lightly “I give it all to God! Let His will be done!”  I wish I could, but I can’t.  I am still too invested in the hope of having a family, and certainly invested financially and physically in pulling off a good cycle.  To get zero embryos out of the deal would devastate anyone.  Ryan and I will not do a second IVF cycle; we have agreed on only one.

While I struggle with resigning my fate of motherhood to God’s will, I can at least say with confidence that I have complete faith God will deliver me. If this next week brings the worst and everything I have prayed would not happen, I will grieve and mourn and it will be maybe the hardest trial I’ll endure in my lifetime.  But God will still deliver me.  He will eventually bring healing.  I will eventually move on.  It won’t be easy and it won’t be overnight, but if that’s the path God has cut for me in life, I know He will walk it with me.

Enough of the fear. We did have a doctor tell us ICSI may not work, but we also had another doctor and a renowned urologist tell us it should work just fine.  We’ve got a lovely semen sample on ice, and every reason to believe my eggs are top notch.  I find in my gut I am expecting to get good embryos.  We will know one way or another very soon.

 

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