Waiting a Year

I think it’s AA that says you must wait a year to make any big decisions after getting sober.  Your judgment can’t be trusted when reeling from a life change of that magnitude.

Ryan and I are approaching the year mark, and without a doubt I needed the time.  For so long I couldn’t even think about it, couldn’t talk about it, just had to le my brain process.  Ryan’s job offer in Oregon never came together, which is ok.  For a while there, it was a great distraction to hunt for real estate and fantasize about a whole new life in a city where no one knows me.

So a year later, here we are, still in our little California craftsman, facing the end of 2016.  I am finally making peace with our canceled cycle.  Here and there over the last 10 months I had moments of wanting to just GO FOR IT, take the risk, sign up, and blindly foot the bill for something we’d already decided to put behind us.  Obviously we never did, and I’m ok with that now.  I can say with conviction that IVF was not right for us.  For many people it’s a wonderful solution, but for us, it was probably not going to work, full of ethical compromises we couldn’t agree on, expensive, and not worth it.

Today, I’m thankful I never let my fits of passion get the best of me, and stuck to our decision to not pursue IVF.  What I still have not made peace with is living “child-free.”  For those who battle infertility and learn to be content with a childless existence, I envy you and I applaud you.

Adoption has been heavy on my mind.  I’ve been deep in prayer and thought, and did some preliminary research.  But I hesitated to start the conversation.  Have I grieved our loss long enough that adoption isn’t just a Band-Aid?  And I’m aware Ryan isn’t totally interested.   I will heartbroken if this doesn’t work out, either.

So over margaritas and chips and salsa on probably the last boiling hot Saturday in October, Ryan surprised me by bringing it up.  Well, he brought up his regret over being unable to have kids at all, and I put it out there:

“We could adopt.”

“We could.”

And over discussion of the pros, we made plans to start looking into it.  And then some of the cons came up and Ryan said he’d have to think about it more.  But we ate up each other’s lead, so eager to hear the other talk about a baby, a boy or a girl, daycare, a family.  Ever since Saturday I’ve had a weight lifted off my shoulders – a lightness to my days.  It’s hope.  I feel hopeful.  I may very well be let down again, but here is our last chance, the final option, and I feel so blessed that we have one more avenue to explore.