This little baby is strong.  It held through IVF, ICSI and on our first transfer it made itself right at home – no big deal.  A chorionic hemorrhage didn’t phase it – I saw it bounce around gleefully on the ultrasound shortly after.  And this week, as my city burns down around me and I work late nights at Emergency Operations and get little sleep in a guest room at a house with 9 other evacuees, the little heart beats away.

My prenatal appointments have been indefinitely cancelled because Kaiser has burned.  I’m not sure when the next time will be that I can check on our baby.  Despite the utter devastation that surrounds us, the dozens of people we know who have lost everything, and the never ending worry our home will be next, I feel like this baby is saying “I got this.  Don’t worry about me.”

The physical and emotional stress I am going through can’t be good for it, but tomorrow I will be 12 weeks, so we are feeling some extra assurance.   As a government employee I am required to work in disaster relief efforts, but the work shifts are demanding and long.  I feel terrible – there is so much need – but I am trying to do what I can to meet this baby half way.  It’s a terrifying week, and the least I can do is refuse a 12 hour graveyard shift – try to keep the stress levels at bay.

Pray for Santa Rosa, for all of Sonoma and Napa counties, and for the public safety staff out there trying to save our city.



Warning: Some TMI pregnancy and bodily function details ahead.

On Saturday morning I woke up and the usual discharge from the nightly progesterone suppository was light brown.  This had never happened before – day after day since the embryo transfer, it was bright white.  I felt fine otherwise.  I told Ryan what I saw, and went about my day.

At about 1 p.m. I went to the bathroom and my entire panty liner was soaked in blood.  Oh Lord, no, give me strength to get through this was my guttural reaction.  Was this happening?  Was this actually happening after 10 weeks of no issues? I immediately called the advice nurse and spend 45 minutes on the phone only to be told do nothing, just take Tylenol for pain and come into the ER if the bleeding becomes very heavy.  The soonest I could get in for an ultrasound was Monday morning.

Miraculously, the bleeding stopped.  I had light pink discharge for the rest of the day, but never any cramps and the bleeding didn’t resume.  I took it easy for the rest of the day, and all day Sunday, which meant cancelling plans for a BBQ with friends and family and I know it sounds silly but I felt so terrible for ruining everyone’s day.  I was thinking everything was probably just fine until Monday morning, when I woke up and found my panty liner soaked in blood again.  I was shaking as I showered, got dressed, and went to Kaiser for my 9 a.m. ultrasound.

The first thing the doctor said to me was “has anyone discussed the results of your last ultrasound with you?” and I told her no.  Turns out the “twin” was noted to maybe not be a twin at all, but a chorionic hemorrhage, which my body might now be passing.  She did an ultrasound and praise the lord the little baby had a strong heartbeat and even jumped up and down a couple times.  I texted Ryan immediately and he was beside himself.  He told me later he’d been 95% sure the baby was lost.

No more bleeding today, but I was told these hemorrhages might take a week to resolve themselves.  If it happens again, I will schedule another ultrasound ASAP.  What a scare! I am so thankful everything is fine, but my heart goes out to any woman who has been in my shoes and things were not fine.  In the moment, I found myself terrified to experience the physical miscarriage.  It would not be like “having a period.”  Women have endured this throughout the ages and I feel for them today.  On top of the emotional toll, what an insult to injury.

I will keep an eye on things, but for today at 10 weeks 5 days, all is ok.

10 Weeks

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant. The baby is the size of a date and has arm buds and leg buds and can taste what I eat through the amniotic fluids (!!!).  All my regular pre-natal appointments are scheduled.  The baby did have a twin – an identical twin that split off, developed its own sac, but never formed a fetal pole.  The doctor said this happens, and it will pass during delivery and will be so small that no one will notice.

Something unexpected – I find myself eager and brimming with pride to tell all medical staff anywhere “This is an IVF pregnancy.”  I never want to tell any layman such a personal thing, but medical staff who know what IVF is and what it involves are another story.  This pregnancy was the result of a long fight and unbelievable modern medicine, and it’s nothing short of a miracle.  To anyone who will listen I proudly clarify “this is an IVF pregnancy.”

At 10 weeks, my pants are all tight on me so I resort to “fat pants” and elastic waist bands. I have acne, feel bloated and tired, and overall the polar opposite of any “pregnancy glow.”  But it’s wonderful to know I am drained because my body is growing a human, and my hormones are going haywire because I am pregnant.  Ryan and I look at each other and still don’t believe it.  Or oddly, we believe I’m pregnant, just can’t believe I’m pregnant with a child that is biologically ours.

About 2 weeks ago I woke up one morning and felt dramatically better. It was such a change I worried something could be wrong, but no, the pregnancy nausea that plagued me for weeks let up considerably.  I have my moments of exhaustion and being utterly turned off by things, but it’s manageable.  I had tried to brace myself for another month of feeling like everything made me gag, and it just seemed so draining, so I am THANKFUL.

What I’ve been doing right: I exercise 5-6 days a week.  Sometimes it’s a strenuous hike or weight training, other days it’s a slow 30-minute walk around the neighborhood, but I am making a point to keep exercise a regular part of my routine.  I’m also sleeping plenty, and I’m looooving it. I haven’t touched soda or diet soda or any sugary drinks. And I pray fervently for this baby every day, all the time.

What I’ve been doing wrong: My eating habits have been atrocious.  I so desperately wanted to eat clean and organic during this pregnancy, but that has turned out to mean organic bread and organic cheddar cheese for all 3 meals.  Other times it means sour patch kids.

What’s different: My appetite, obviously.  I can’t eat the quantity that I used to and don’t like many of the foods that I used to.  I also require an unreasonable amount of water.  I used to drink a lot of water, now I drink twice that, and if I don’t, I feel sick to my stomach and like I’m dying of thirst in the dessert.  Literally I drink over 200 oz of water of day and just want more and more.

Cravings: Cold fruit and fruit juice; water; pretzels; udon, miso and pho soups; Chinese food; cheddar cheese; bread

Aversions: vegetables; old food; dried fruit; spicy foods

Weight gain: I haven’t been on the scale in a week and I’m terrified.  I don’t even know what I weight when I started IVF.  I think I’m up about 10 lbs from earlier this summer.

Alcohol/ caffeine: I drink 8 oz of coffee every morning, measured out by my Keurig.  I wish it was more. I haven’t touched alcohol apart from one work-sponsored happy hour I had to attend.  I didn’t want to be the awkward person not drinking and didn’t want to tell my coworkers I was pregnant, so I ordered a light beer and sipped half of it over the course of 2 hours.  I felt so terrible about it and ashamed and will not do it again.

Baby names/ Gender: We haven’t talked about names, and probably won’t until we know the gender.  Historically, we haven’t agreed much on names at all.  We will find out the gender as soon as we can.  Ryan wants a boy.  As long as I can remember I have always assumed Ryan and I would have a boy, but for some reason now I feel like it’s a girl.  I wouldn’t put money on that, but if I had to guess, I’d say girl.

7.5 Week Scan

We have a heartbeat! BIG sigh of relief.  Yesterday was our last 2-hour drive to the clinic and visit with the RE.  We were told we had “graduated” to the regular OBGYN now, but to keep in touch. Kind of bittersweet.  I told our doctor that IVF was a pleasant surprise.  After 5 long, painful years of infertility, the actual treatment was a breeze for us.  I know we are lucky.

Every couple’s infertility journey and diagnosis is different.  As a male-factor couple, our toughest moments were spurred by marital dynamics and deciding what to do.  Not to mention that one doctor that told us we were basically sterile, prompting us to tell all our family and friends to back off with the “when are you going to have a baby” questions because all iotas of hope were lost.  Adoption was a disaster.  The unsolicited advice and comments infuriating.  But actually seeking treatment?  Straightforward.

We are extremely blessed that on our first IVF round of with ICSI we transferred one embryo and we have a beating heart!  Oddly the doctor saw another sac in there too – he can only speculate that the embryo split and there were identical twins, only one stopped developing very early on.  I have a follow up scan in a few days to see what the regular OBGYN has to say.

At just shy of 8 weeks I am feeling all the glorious nausea and food aversions and exhaustion that I’ve heard about.  I’m learning to manage it, but my main concern is gaining too much weight.  I know it sounds superficial, but I am not a small girl to begin with and want nothing more than to give this baby a healthy start in life.  Unfortunately, due to the months of hormones, surgery, pregnancy, exercise restrictions and wayward appetite, I have already gained 10 lbs.  I am usually a healthy eater but suddenly can’t stomach the thought of fruits or vegetables.  All I want is bread and butter about 8 times a day.  I am still exercising (although embarrassingly out of breath all the time) and trying to just let my body have what it needs at this point.

It’s such a small complaint, though. I am pregnant.  My body is growing a baby.  If I have to look like a cow doing it I will gladly take it, because for years there I wasn’t sure this day would come.

We told my mom and my sisters yesterday, and there was celebrating.  I still selfishly feel uncomfortable talking about it; is that odd?  All along infertility, especially my husband’s sperm count, has been an awkward thing to discuss with anyone by Ryan or the doctor.  With all the questions that come our way I half feel like saying “back off! none of your business! I am pregnant and done talking about it.”

But I remind myself this isn’t all about me; this is God’s work and His glory working through me.  I have not enjoyed one moment of my marital reproductive life being laid out for open discussion, but I am trying to humble myself and just let it happen.  If this is how God wants to show His power and His goodness and His there-ness, then ok.  I’d better step back and not get in the way.  We aren’t out of the woods yet, I know the worry and concern is only just beginning.  Still, no matter what happens tomorrow, I feel incredibly blessed to have made it to today.

“Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17


Beta #2

Beta #2, drawn on 8/21/17, was 590.  An excellent rise!  My progesterone and estradiol levels were also looking good, so I was told to stop taking Estrace, but to continue the progesterone 3X a day.  So it will be an existence of panty liners, vaginal suppositories, and no sex until our ultrasound on 9/11.

To say we are excited is the understatement of the year.  We are in pure disbelief and quite frankly wondering how we got here.  I mean, we know painfully well what we did to get here, but after suffering through 5 long years of infertility, saying “I’m pregnant” seems unnatural, but unbelievably welcome, on every level.

We are cautious though.  That scan on 9/11 will hopefully show a heartbeat, and I’m not breathing easily until then.  We haven’t told anyone we even did a cycle so definitely no one knows we were successful.  I don’t even want to think about telling people until I see a heartbeat.

However I am not cautious in every way – I bought a couple baby items online today.  I couldn’t help myself.  I hope I didn’t jinx it.

I don’t remember enough to thank God, to try to humbly divert any excitement or gratitude His way.  I’m not sure why He chose to lead us through the valley for years on end before executing a textbook, straightforward IVF cycle resulting in 10 frozen embryos and a pregnancy.  But I am THANKFUL, and taking it day by day, and trying to put my trust in him.



My beta came back 90!!

“Just what we are looking for” the nurse said.

Ryan and I are doing happy dances across town, me at work getting nothing done, he at home supposedly changing electrical outlets (but really telling the cats they will be big sisters).

I go back Monday for another Beta, and we both know we need to be cautiously excited at this point.  We are still not out of the woods – just treading lightly on the right trajectory.

Praise God! Thank you, Jesus, for science, for modern medicine, for Your timing, for a husband who will walk through this with me, through the downs and the ups.  We will wait until Monday.

8dp5dt – tomorrow is beta day

I will not be surprised if my beta comes back negative, not pregnant at all.  I feel entirely too normal and recovered from the stress of the ER/ET. The fact that I am energetic and have a good appetite is literally the only symptom (or lack thereof) that causes me to lean on the side of “not pregnant,” but it’s a pretty big reason.

I could be pregnant, though.  My boobs are sore.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  I have mild cramping but no bleeding or spotting.  And 8 days ago, I did have a perfect 5 day blastocyst implanted in my uterus.  So it’s possible.

I decided I don’t want to take a home pregnancy test.  If it’s negative, I will probably lie to myself and think maybe it’s just not sensitive enough and the blood test might still come back positive.  I don’t want to drag myself through any more emotional turmoil; I just want to know.

Ryan is bummed; asking me day to day how I feel, and being all disappointed when I say “fine.”  Tomorrow if we get bad news, at least we will hear from the clinic soon about dates and steps for the next transfer.  So I’ll be up early, to the lab by 7:00 am and eagerly awaiting my results all day long.