Valiant Efforts

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained” only applies when you’ve gained.

Obviously.

When you venture and things fall flat on their face, it’s hard to look back and say “Boy that failure was worthwhile!” Luckily, we (ahem – I) don’t seem to ever learn.  My years on this earth are numbered, and so I continue to wake up each morning and embrace new things, new avenues, a second try, even at the end of a year that seems marked by the absence of gains.  It’s not a failure by any means, but just a lot of work that got me nowhere.

2016 kicked off sad and depressing, facing a childless existence, and trying in vain to get used to that.  I pursued therapy, books, prayer, let time do it’s thing, and today?  Nope.  Still not used to it.

April brought a very real possibility that my husband’s job would move us out of state.  We gripped our grieving, tired hands to that sparkling new future, and jumped in feet first.  We traveled back and forth so much, wining and dining his potential clients, that Ryan’s company got him a temporary apartment.   Business didn’t pan out as expected.  We moved out of the apartment around Thanksgiving.

In November Ryan and I attended an adoption agency orientation.  It was a long road to get to this point – and through lots of prayer, research and gentle conversations with Ryan, I went into it feeling so optimistic.  We spent the following 2 days arguing and crying, and long story short, I learned with absolute certainty that Ryan does not have the heart for adoption.  And much like infertility and IVF, a couple cannot walk the treacherous adoption road unless both are 100% mentally, emotionally and physically on board.

On December 1 we put an offer on a house and – hurrah!! – had it accepted! We SCRAMBLED to list our 100-year-old craftsman that we’ve lovingly poured our time and money into over the last 5 years.  We live in an area where it’s pretty common to sell in a day, for over asking price, and our agent assured us it would be a quick weekend sale.  Well, here we are on December 29th, 3 days away from falling out of contract on the new house unless SOMEONE MAKES AN OFFER PLEASE. It’s not over yet, I know – and at least I can say we tried.

We are talking about IVF again.  The adoption debacle sliced open all kinds of old wounds.  Ryan wonders if perhaps God’s plan is for us to remain childless, since he can’t reproduce and can’t get on board the adoption train.  I wonder if perhaps God’s plan is for us to fight a bitter battle until we find our miracle, because I just cannot find peace in my heart at the prospect of childlessness.  I got blood work done (again – everything normal, again),  and Ryan goes to Kaiser for more tests tomorrow.  We have a referral to Kaiser’s IVF clinic in the San Francisco area, a long drive for us, but neither want to go back to Dr. Mean who told us we had no chance.  It’s just a second opinion, really.  Can’t hurt to hear another expert’s assessment of our unique situation.  Maybe it took us a year to work up the nerve to do it, but better late than never.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.